Here i Lay
by Bene-C
Summary: You’ve heard those stories right? You know the ones about life flashing before your optics when you’re dieing? Well I guess I can safely say those stories are incorrect. Shame really, I could really use something to pass the time as I lay here in the mud.


**A/N: PLEASE READ.** The story you are about to read contains real events from my life and real people up to about the academy. I don't have a happy life; I'm frequently taken to physiologists by my mother who yells at me calls me things and then acts like she's the victim. So if any of the first part affect you please let me know and we talk. I don't know why I chose Prowl I guess he just spoke to me while I was down some.

**Disclaimer: ** I do not own Transformers.

You've heard those stories right? You know the ones about life flashing before your optics when you're dieing? Well I guess I can safely say those stories are incorrect. Shame really, I could really use something to pass the time as I lay here in the mud dieing a million astromiles from home. Then again I might not be dieing, Ratchet hasn't rushed over in all his glory to save me, but then I did get shot on behind enemy lines. What ever, nothing has ghosted past my optics for however long I have been lying here, dieing.

All my life I have been terrified of this moment, I guess it was hammered into me that death was the end from a young age. I think I was three vorns old when I when to my first funeral. I didn't cry though, my three older siblings did, both my creators did, I didn't. I don't know why but the emotion seemed lost on me, most did except anger and a strong sense of justice. I still remember seeing the coffin, just sitting there in front of everyone. That was when I was young and as I grew older more funerals I went to and the less I cried, but my life wasn't all death, no it was only a small part of it.

Ever since I can remember cybernetic horses have fascinated me. They were so beautiful and carried this strange sense of grace around them, I wanted to learn how to ride and I always begged my creators to let me go. Then one orn when I was five, I had my first lesson. I didn't want a leader, I wanted to go on my own but it wasn't allowed. I kept up riding until the wars started to spread closer to home, I was one of the best riders in my class and I often had the psycho horses that tried to kill me – they were the best rides.

Any way, I don't remember one day where there wasn't some religion trying to destroy another, or one state trying to take over another, no I don't ever remember peace. I didn't think anything of it, Praxus was neutral, why would the war come here?

I had a pretty happy sparklinghood, up until I was twelve going on thirteen, my carrier was less than nice to me, despite my unstable temper which had a tendency to blow with enough power to _petrify_ my creators they still insisted on infuriating me. Yeah well she kept saying how much she expected me to get drunk every night, get arrested frequently, have endless one night stands with random bots and I told her, well yelled at her how I wasn't going to change, I was still going to be the same datapad reading sparkling she always loved. Well she wasn't right about all the negative things but she was right that I was going to change, (thanks to my brothers for trying to drag me out my room). I sat in my room with a good bookfile and endless art supplies; yep they were my forms of escape for the first couple of lunar-cycles I was thirteen, then I discovered how obsessive I could be.

It started with a television program about a time traveler with two sparks, I loved it so much! - it failed in the logic area when it came round to the fifth series- then I move stables to one a bit further away, I met a cyber-horse called Pim, he was not one of the nicest horses but he did have an unusual paint job. I loved him, but after a vorn he got sold on, ha that's when Shane arrived, sure he was pretty but I hated riding him, I hated him, I didn't expect that he would become my 'sparkling'. I fell in love with him badly and every time I went to ride I would beg and make deals with anyone as long as I could ride him. It became a joke around the staff that I was his 'creator'. Soon I found the stables as another way of escaping my life at home.

School wasn't a haven, it was a nightmare, I got bullied for reading and horse riding, they weren't of the norm in my junior school, but when I had to move to secondary school they were, New Hall was a privet school, only the rich went there, or so I thought, my creators managed to scrape enough together to send me there, as had many of my friend's creators had. My first year was interesting; I made enemies with a few femmes in the vorn above but the left the school soon after that, luckily. Homework was a bad point for me, I never did it but some how I managed to talk my way out of a detention, every time.

I soon discovered how easily I could become hyper, and it was fun but the loss of energy I got after was just well draining. My life continued like that for a while it was good I loved it, Riding, art, reading and getting hyper with my friends was great, but all good things come to an end.

Vorn 9 was a vorn of arguments, and a couple of good films, I made new friends, one of them, Tracks, I became very close to, teachers called us by each others names and it was a good laugh, he went through many relationships with bots one of them I became good friends with, Sunstreaker. The tall bot did annoy me to some extent but he could be a good laugh. When Tracks broke up with him, I frguently got acused of liking Sunstreaker, I denied them everyone. I didn't want to ruin the friendship I had. If I did like him I wouldn't have known, but soon things become akward and we didn't talk for ages.

Sunstreaker did start anther relationship with a friend who has been my best friend since vorn 7. Sigma, she was a good friend but we drifted apart in vorn 9 she had a new group of friends as did I, so I didn't really worry, we still talked. Though it worried me when I saw the cuts on her arms, she stopped doing it and become more stable and I hoped it was Sunstreaker, but when she dumped him, Sigma became depressed, it scared the frag out of me! Then I saw the cuts again, when I asked her why she was doing it, she just replied "I hurt him, I deserve to hurt too". That night I phone Sunstreaker and yelled at him, demarnding he fixed what he did before I hunted him down and killed him. I told him about Sigma Cutting herself over him. Sigama didn't talk to me for ages because I told him, but she stopped cutting herself and we did become friends again.

I think when my life hit rock bottom was in vorn 10, that's when I started wearing the mask. The amount of stress and pressure put on me made me depressed, like my eldest brother. I didn't let my creators know, my carrier had already taken me to dozen physiologists about my temper issues. The mask I wore was always happy, hyperactive and obsessed with organics.

It was then that Tracks acquired a mechfriend five vorns older than him and I told him how much I disapproved of the relationship and he had a go at me. Every word that came out of Tracks's mouth was about him or his depressed mechfriend. I realized how vain Tracks was, it annoyed the frag out of me. I slipped further into my depression and I began trying to get help from people but they didn't see because of the mask, once or twice the mask slipped but not too much. No one saw how depressed I was.

I contemplated ending my life, thinking of ways I could do it, just wanting to end it all, get rid of the stress and pain. I held on despite how bad things had got at my home. That's when I started writing; half the stuff I wrote was about death. I tried cutting myself but I just couldn't bring myself to it, I just couldn't be bothered with it.

I got given a project in science, Flight. I spent lunar-cycles on that project with my friends, Percepter and Wheeljack. We spent ages together just planing and building. Tracks and I entered a stalemate where we ignored each other. I didn't care; I had less vain friends now. My long dormant temper rose again when Tracks got the award for effort in science, he had done nothing worth effort. Percepter, Wheeljack and I were furious, well me and Percepter were, Wheeljack's project went wrong.

The depression seemed to have gone and I spent my last few vorns in school working, I passed my exams and I had to pick a university, but the war had escalated so much, I opted for the Autobot war academy, that's where I met him, Jazz was a first vorn like me, he was doing a course in sabotage and fighting skills, he was so full of life, that visor hid so much I sort to find out what was behind it. We became friends, it was hard at first seeming as my tactical class was at a different time to his sabotage class, but the fighting skills we were in the same class.

I don't know why I decided to take the tactical course, I guess all the games of logic and tactics I played with my brothers made the decision for me in the end. With Jazz I didn't have to wear a mask, under all the stress the depression seeped in once more and Jazz saved me. He made me feel happy without having to force it. The academy was in Iacon so I wasn't in Praxus when it got destroyed, I got told my whole family was dead, that's when the depression really hit me hard and Jazz stayed up with me all the off-cycle while I cried my spark out. Sure I hated my family to the pit and back but I didn't wan them to die. Jazz became my anchor.

during our stay at the academy the Prime can to visit, being top of my class I was representative, as was Jazz. The night before the Prime came Jazz and I polished our armor and touched up our paint. When the Prime finally came we were excited balls of hyperness but I managed to control myself, unlike Jazz and managed to greet the Prime without doing something stupid, like Jazz.

Jazz had been making funny faces at me when Optimus was talking to me, I kept a straight face some how much to Jazz's demise, when it came to Jazz's turn just a flick of my door wings had him in hysterics. He hated me for that, I never let it go. The Prime, thankfully, found it amusing.

Another two vorns later and the war was so bad we both went straight into the army. We were only twenty-one vorns old, fighting on the front line, all new fighters went there, if you survived for a while the promote you. My tactical skills kept Jazz and me alive, I never would get to thank my family for all those boring games they made me play. I got given my own unit, I did my best but one day, one of my mechs got killed, I spent every waking moment after that going over my plans, checking and rechecking the for holes. Every off-cycle Jazz would drag me to the bunks and made me recharge.

When I got some free time I went to the remains of Praxus, I walked to where my home _should _have been. All that remained was ruble; it was shameful to think a cybertronian did this. I went to the closet city and had an experimental battle computer installed to stop something like Praxus ever happening again. Jazz was shocked when I started locking up at something illogical. I finally told him about the computer and he demanded for me to remove it. I told him no and my reasons for having it and he let it slip. I continued with my unit and none of them died, they followed my orders to the letter and stayed alive and I will be thankful for that for the rest of my life.

Prime noticed me and he asked me to join his elite team. I said yes and told Jazz, he was... less than happy but I promised to stay in touch. So I was off to the center of Iacon, right into the spark of the war. I was one of five tacticians on base so I was assigned another unit. I was surprised to see some of my old friends, Sunstreaker and his brother Sideswipe, Tracks (joy) and one young Praxian who had been found alive. His name was Bluestreak and he was very chatty and one pit of a good sniper. Sunstreaker had just as bad as temper as me it seemed as he tore apart decepticons. He was hard to keep under control and one orn he got completely slagged. I didn't have Jazz anymore so I distanced my self and placed the mask back.

I acted cold so I didn't have to face the pain, I become known as a sparkless glitch to the rest of the elites, but I couldn't bring my self to care, Prime made me head of the tactical team and I was the youngest officer at twenty-four. News flew around the base that someone had completely sabotaged the decepticon's base, no one knew who had but I did. I walked straight up to Prime and informed him about Jazz.

Sure enough when I went down to the front lines too go find Jazz, Kup was punishing him for running off in battle. Kup greeted me and I gave him Primes datapad. That orn Jazz drove back to Iacon with me. He told me how much he missed me and how many times he had blown up the 'cons. I missed his odd accent and his visor shining with life still. Yeah it was an odd feeling but I hadn't felt anything for so long. Back at base Optimus debriefed Jazz and placed him in Special operations. Jazz quickly became known on the base and soon made it to head of special ops when the old one got killed on a mission.

He came into my quarters- a benefit to being an officer- and we drank high grade, I only drank a little bit less than Jazz but I can hold my drink better than him. That off-cycle he admitted that he liked me and wanted me. I was shocked and somehow I didn't lock up, that's when I realized that I had those feelings back, Jazz leaned forward and kissed me. I had never been kissed before or even been in a relationship, but Jazz helped me and guided me. When I came out of recharge the following orn, Jazz was lying beside me on my berth.

We kept our relationship a secret, to officers in a relationship together would not have been very good but Optimus worked it out and told us it was alright, that if we couldn't have love then the decepticons have already won. I didn't like public displays of affection, Jazz was patient with me, and he stood up for me when people said I was sparkless. We stayed together for five vorns and at the age of twenty-nine we bonded, it was the best thing in my life, I couldn't have wished for a better mech. That vorn everything went right, I became the Second in command and the decpticons were pushed further back, the war looked like it would be over soon and it boosted everyone's moral. Not long after me, Jazz got Third in command, he always used to talk to me via the bond during meetings and dragged me to our quarters when I worked over time.

Soon though energon stocks started to run out and we had to leave Cybertron. My spark froze when I saw him flung from that steering station and the fear grew when I saw the decepticons board the _Ark_. When we woke up, Jazz and I spent the whole off-cycle, 'night' as the inhabitants of this planet call it, in each others arms, afraid of loosing each other. On Earth I have experienced some of the weirdest things, ninja femmes built by humans, Megatron drunk and Ratchet and Wheeljack building the protectabots and dinobots. And yet here I lay, dieing, on my own and covered in mud, so much for my bondmate. There we go Jazz has sensed me weakening; he's on his way. Well at least I wont die on my own now and I wont be bored anymore, seeming as my life has failed to flash before my optics. There we go Jazz has me now, he's holding me. I'm so tired, I might just recharge while I wait for death, mmm it's nice to feel your systems shutting off its almost peaceful. Yeah I'll see Jazz when I wake up.

0o0o0o

Jazz clung to the now grey body of the auobot SIC. Ratchet threw down his tools and ripped open the sparkchamber, to his dismay, it was empty. Jazz let out a howl.

"Prowl, Prowl! Stay with me!_ Please!_" he sobbed. The decepticons had retreated now leaving all the autobots alone to bow their heads in respect. Jazz continued to cry and no one stopped him. All those who knew Prowl while they were growing up also cried. This was a sad day for the autobots, but it gave them a reason to fight. To fight for Prowl and all the others killed in the war. It was going to be hard, but they would do it. Optimus remembered something that the tactician had told him, he had never known what peace was, a world without fighting. _I hope you enjoy peace Prowl._ He thought,_ see you in the matrix my friend._ Some how Optimus knew Prowl hasn't left yet, he was so dedicated to keeping everyone alive, he wouldn't leave until the war was over.

0o0o0o

**foot note:** in this fic as I said at the start, they are parts of my life and real people up until the academy. So please I have been depressed and I have wanted to kill myself, so if you feel the same, don't give up, contact me and we can talk. I'm only fifteen and the thought of not being here now upsets me, the depression does come back once in a while, but I haven't found my Jazz yet but one day I will and so will you. Just hold on.


End file.
